This blog was supposed to be a place where I could express how I felt without fear of being questioned or critisized for how I felt. I have had this thing for a long time and have for the most part said what is exactly on my mind. Til now. My husband asked me why I did not mention him in my posts. The main reason I do not mention him, especially by name is because of the job that he has and he has told me on several occassions what a "security risk" it is. He does not like that I post personal information about myself on here. I have kept what I say very vague.
So I have a post about my husband and talk about him. Today I get questioned "so why did you feel that you had to add something about me on your blog now?" I thought that I made the answer clear in the post about my husband, but I guess it was not clear enough. Him and I have had many conversations concerning this blog. There are times that I post and just let my thoughts flow and do not think twice about them. Especially when it comes to my grandparents, I do not feel like anyone can understand what I am going through therefore I just post them here to get them out. It is not meant to be mean in any way. I just do not feel that anyone can understand, nor do I WANT anyone to. I just want them out and do not want to talk about them. Just let the feelings and thoughts out of my head. I know that I am a very complex person and that my feelings are obscured in a lot of ways. I know that my thought process and what I do with them is also very obscure and strange. I cannot explain how I feel, why I express them the way that I do, why I do not like talking about them with anyone, I just DO. I have managed to hurt my husbands feelings in posting things that he does not know. My intentions were never to hurt him, but to just be ME. He has tried explaining to me that he is hurt at the fact that he has to read my feelings with the rest of the world instead of them coming from me straight to him and has asked me questions about it. I generally blow up at this. I do not feel that my feelings should be questionable. I just feel that what I write about should just BE. Not questionable, not talkable, just BE. He does not understand that, he believes that because he cares about me and asks me questions about it that I should just be open and willing to talk about things. On most matters, I do not mind discussing things, on others, I just flat out do NOT want to talk about it. I just plain want to get my thoughts out and be done with it.
Hell, I have no idea who even reads my blog, if there is even anyone out there that does. Truly, this blog is for me, and I have not considered others feelings when it comes to this thing. I am sure that it seems like a heartless bitch of a thing to say, but this is my space. My feelings are not negotiable under any circumstance whether people agree with them or not. Again, a cold heartless bitch of a thing to say, but the way that I feel. If I hurt someones feelings it is never what my intentions are and I am sorry for it. But I will not be sorry for my thoughts and the way that they are displayed. I cannot be sorry for the way that I am either. I deal with different things in different ways. I had such different emotions when it came to both of my grandparents deaths that I feel weird about it. I grieved for months and months and still do when I think of my grandpa, I get emotional and cry even at the mention of him. I grieve in an entirely different way for my grandma and rarely get teary eyed thinking about her being gone. I do not understand WHY I do, I just do. Its just the way things are.
I guess you can say that I am a very selfish, inconsiderate bitch and I am not sure that I would disagree with that. I just know that sometimes it is easiest for me to just sit here, think my thoughts and let them flow instead of talking about them first. I do not think of the consequences of my thoughts, I just do it. Maybe that is careless, maybe that is heartless, and I do not mean for them to be nor do I understand WHY I have to be that way, its just ME.